2013 was hell of a year.
I was dead -- or, at least that was what I felt. I know I have a heart, but I didn't feel it beating. I know I have a soul but I didn't know where in this whole world it wandered. I smiled, but I wasn't really happy. My eyes grew so tired of watering -- there were days I couldn't cry anymore but I was in deep hurt. I was paralyzed. I was dead. I was exhausted.
I have never been good at saying goodbyes. I despise it from the bottom-est part of my being. I suck at it. But, eleven months before, on the 17th of January at approximately 3 am, I did the most terrifying decision -- I initiated a break up.
And it felt painful after. I wanted a comeback. But I stood by my decision. I constantly told myself that I'm just as okay as I was before he came. Everyday I reminded myself that there's more to life than our life together. I listened and sang happy songs just to shift my emotionally-unstable mood to cheery. It was hard. Extremely difficult.
I went through the whole process of moving on. Perhaps, not only once, but everyday of my life since then. The depression, the denial, the anxiety, the sleepless nights, the wet pillows, the cold mornings -- everything. Although this may not be really obvious to some people who know me, but I fought. I did my best to erase almost impossible to forget memories. From deleting his mobile number, to faking a smile each day. I fought hard to forget.
Until today... Because today, I stop fighting -- because today, I felt happy.
I didn't find someone new. I don't even have a crush on someone right now... Okay, maybe I do. But my point is, I'm not in love or falling in love with anyone at this moment. I'm just happy. Period.
I stumbled upon an article about letting go and moving on last week. Every word seem to describe a familiar situation. It was as if written exactly for me. The word play, the given instances, seemed to talk to me. Until it said, "I felt alive again because of you". It felt wrong. I felt wrong.
I counted months to feel this happiness I'm feeling, again. And somehow, upon reading that article, it made me think; Is my happiness at stake or, incorrect, because it is not fueled by someone special? Am I mistaking this 'happiness' to something opposite? To something fragile? To something... wrong?
I thought about it. And thought about it. Then stopped. I realized, no -- I'm not wrong. I realized that one's happiness -- or, one's feeling of being alive, is not dependent on anyone but himself. And himself alone. I smiled. That moment, I knew, I'm truly alive. I'm truly, undeniably, happy. Even without anyone saying I'm beautiful, or, that I'm his only one. At least, I know I can live without it... Again.
Besides, it's been almost a year since that tragic break-up. It's about time.
And, when I look back at the year I had in 2013, I couldn't say it was a flop. Credits are earned. Things are accomplished. Lessons are learned. Hard work payed off. Should I be ungrateful to such? Of course not. This year may be mixed with hell and heaven, but it sure was good.
So when 2014 happens, I'm pretty positive that I will be the better-me version -- that I will know better. As I rip the last page on the 2013 calendar, I will, too, throw every heartache, sorrow, and troubles I had. I will be happier.
Also, with the incoming year, I will be the 'yes' girl -- welcoming every opportunity, accepting challenges and conquering them. If, by any chance, I can't conquer them all, at least I did try. Right?
I may became a little cynical this year -- and I'm not promising to not be in 2014, but I will work on embracing love again. I have always saw love as something beautiful. I want to have that outlook again.
But, unlike the 'me' before, who was aggressive and a go-getter for love, now, I will leave most to fate and faith. If the universe forbids it, then I'll stay away from it. But, if the heavens conspire to make me a breathtaking love story, then who am I to refuse?
2013 has been a crazy wild ride but I'm thankful. I grew tougher, stronger, braver. It molded and prepared me for the future trials and difficulties I will soon face. It made sure that when 2014 comes, I'll be just fine.
What happens in this year, will stay in this year. However, the lessons I learned and the memories I made will be forever treasured. The new friends and new relationships I built can come along to my better (I'd like to use better more that new, because I'm still me) adventure next year. And the people who left, the untied knots, the painful endings, can be cozy and stay as long as they want in 2013. :)
This was hell of a year. And I'm pretty sure I'm ready to move on to heaven-ish year in 2014.
How about you?
♥
