To one familiar person

This morning I woke up with the sun shining on my face. As I stare back at it and try desperately to defeat its brightness, I wished you were there to block it. To at least help me see right through it. But you weren't. Too bad, you never were.

I stood up and closed my window curtains, and as I walk pass through my study table, I saw our picture together. The 'us' were too happy and too in love in the photo. We were too tight and too inseparable. We were perfect - until 'perfect' meant fights, misunderstandings, and goodbyes.

However, upon looking at the photo - at the almost-new-and-true photo, I thought, I still wish to see this familiar face again.

The face of a person which lips beam when smiling and radiates proudly and sincere whenever I conquer my fears. He, who lifts my spirit up when I'm down at the dumps, and whenever I lose hope,  reaches for my hand - squeezes it gently - then whispers to my ears that everything will be fine.

I brushed the photo with my fingers...

I wish to hear a familiar voice - the voice that speaks nothing but sweetness and goodness. The only voice that I permit to utter my name loudly for it sounds a hundred times better than any voice can. The voice I can never forget for singing Hero by Enrique Iglesias to me over the phone during midnight just to cheer me up and make me feel loved. That husky voice, how could I resist?

I hummed a line or two of the song, then I remembered how every morning you make sure you're the first person I hear - You never failed to make me feel important because you love me, and I loved it. I loved you.

I sat on my bed with our photo in my hand. I can't imagine how these two people who are so madly in love with each other turned into strangers.

One day, all the adjectives I used to describe you turned into words I would describe an enemy. I never thought that such an angelic face, such a sweet voice, can tell me lies. And as each day went by, your promises turned into stones one by one.

We daydreamed about spending our little humble lives together - we will build our dream house somewhere in Tagaytay or Parañaque, then we'll have four kids, one of them will be named Bryce. You said no matter how busy we will be, because of our work, we will still find time for our family - you had it all figured out. Every time you tell me you'll marry me in my dream Church, and propose to me on the most unexpected ways, my heart jumps for joy... I drowned in your plans about our future together, but I still loved it. I looked forward to it. I hoped.

But I did not anticipate the fall of it all.

Slowly, your bright smiles turned into tired frowns - as if you lost your interests in me. At first, I told myself maybe you only had a bad day, but it went on to a week, then to months.

I fell in love with how you talk. But suddenly, I was afraid to hear you say anything. You spoke nothing but sweetness and goodness until you learned how to lie. You had your reasons and excuses - tons of them, actually. But I still forgave you.

Until one day, you learned how to say goodbye.

I told myself, you'll come back. That's how it has always been. We'll say things to each other - bad things - then we'll apologize, make-up, and we're back on being the happiest couple. And so, I waited... and waited. But you never looked back.

This time, I demanded for a reason - I'll be okay with an excuse. But you didn't care to tell me anything. I should be mad. I should shout, and break things, and curse - but I chose to forgive you, still. Because I loved you... and you don't hold grudges to someone you love.

As I look at our picture together, I realized, these two people in the photo had their reasons to walk away, to grow apart, to let go. It's just that, I didn't know your reason. We met and fell for each other, then suddenly we decided to forget. What happened? 

I stood up, put our photo in the bedside table drawer, and locked it. Someday, I know, I'll bump into that familiar face again and hear that familiar voice. I know - I hope - someday I will see you again.

*fiction

You deserve it.

"I have a lot of questions for ___. But I realized, we don't always get answers -- we don't always get closure -- that sometimes, we have to create the closure ourselves."

Goodbyes hurt, and so does endings. When someone you truly adore bids his last wave and turns his back on you, every memory you have built with that person will flash right before your eyes -- as if you're watching your own life with him -- And it will kill you. Trust me.

And when that happens, all you will think is, what if you walked away with him? When he shut the door and left, what if you ran after him? When he told you he loves you no more, what if you hugged him and say he's just lying? When he said the most painful goodbye, what if you refused? Will you have the 'closure' you ever wanted? 

That night, when the two of you decided to end everything you have started, what if you changed your mind? What if you decided not to throw such relationship? What if... Just what if... Will you be happy?

But the thing is, sometimes, we don't have to hold on. Sometimes it's better to let go than to stay. Because sometimes, giving up is the right-est choice we could ever choose. Not because we're weak, nor because we lost our feelings for them, but because we know what we deserve -- That is what I learned.

It takes strength to fight and to stay in a relationship that has ended even before it started. But it takes courage to let go and admit that you're only human -- you can't fix everything. And as humans, we too, get tired of fighting and waiting and wishing for something far from impossible -- we too, need to be saved.

If the pain is too much, we don't always have to endure. If the amount of tears is more than the amount of smiles, it's time to stop and walk away. And if all the promises turned into stones, when all the late night talks turned into fights, when all the sweet endearments turned into shouts, when all the hugs and kisses turned into scars and bruises, and all the I love you's turned into I hate you's, remember to love yourself. If you managed to be brave to stay, be brave enough for yourself and walk away. Let go. You deserve better.

Enduring pain is not always worth it. Staying is not always the best resort. Love is not always right. Especially if it starts hurting you more than making you happy.

Let him leave if he wanted to -- even if it takes away your right for closure. Because sometimes, we don't need them to give it to us. We just need ourselves to make our own closure -- Our own decision to end things -- to close things. 

I'm not going to lie. It won't be easy. But trust me, it will be for the best. 

Goodbyes hurt, and so does endings. But sometimes, things have to end for better things to begin. And sometimes, we need to learn how to endure the pain of goodbyes to enjoy the pleasure of new hello's. 

You see, I still have a lot of questions for ___. But I realized, answers don't just come easily. And I realized, maybe I don't need the answers now. Maybe I just need to know that I'm worthy of another love -- the kind of love that won't and never keep me from knowing the truth -- because I deserve it. 

And to everyone who was left behind without a proper closure, we all deserve more. So go give yourself one! Stop thinking about all the what if's. Be thankful you didn't ran after him when he left. Because... We deserve someone who will love us enough not to leave. Be strong. Move on. Create your own closure... And be happy. You deserve it. :)

♥